There is a saying that goes, “it’s not personal, it’s business.” Where events occur to the benefit of the business, often times they are done or decisions are made because of the people involved. This following is a true story of a case of the latter.

When I had my Web consulting business, I often partnered with an awesome graphic design firm to develop a Web site. The principal of that firm is someone I met shortly after I started my business. I grew to greatly trust her design and business judgment and enjoyed working with her and her growing firm. Through this we also became friends.

Projects we partnered on usually came as a lead from one of us, and the other would support it. Once such lead was a firm she had worked with for years, providing design services to them and their clients. As she had a very good relationship with this firm, I knew that in partnering with her on this proposal, I surely didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize that relationship. Little did I know I would be put to the test on this.

So far, so good

We had a pre-proposal meeting with the firm and I felt it went well. There were 2 people from the firm, myself and my design partner over the phone. As we started the manager from the firm mentioned he was originally from Boston, as I was as well as my colleague from the design firm, and as a result I brought up the resurgent New England Patriots football team. That personalizing, I felt, went well. Though the other person from the firm in the meeting scowled – perhaps she was a Chicago Bears fan? In any case, it was never my intention to or did I feel I overplayed the connection.

As the meeting progressed we learned more about the current Web site, a portal for their clients, and what they were looking for from the next generation of this technology. During the discussion I asked them for a test user login so that I could go back to my office and go through the site in more detail. When they obliged and gave me one, they also offered for me to have a login for their FTP server; if you don’t know what this means, it’s a rather big deal! They basically have me the keys to their kingdom – FTP stands for File Transfer Protocol and with this login I could access all of the code for their site and even create a local copy of the site to further analyze it. An offer for this level of access rarely happens at this early stage of the proposal process, especially with nothing formal in writing with them.

After the meeting we debriefed and expressed disbelief that we got the FTP server login, then focused on the structure of the proposal and hopeful project. We decided I would take the lead and the proposal would be from my firm. Next we put in the time, created the proposal, reviewed and reviewed it and when we were ready I sent it to the firm by email. And as we did with any such proposal, we would wait. As best said by the late, great Tom Petty, the waiting is the hardest part.

The Unexpected Phone Call

One day the phone rang and it was a friend of mine. I met him through the tech community and we became friends. We never worked on a project together, though we often discussed business, technology and life and were sounding boards to each other. As the call began and we exchanged peasantries I asked him, “what’s up?” There was silence on the other end of the line and I got a sense he was hesitating at what to say. Then he came out and said what I will paraphrase here but this was very close to it. He said, “Mike, I don’t another way to say this, but I just saw a copy of the proposal you sent to that firm.”

Uh, what?

He was prepared for my shock and the crack in my voice, and I could tell he wasn’t happy being the bearer of bad news. However it was something he had to tell me. In short, a friend of his, whom I met previously, showed him a copy of the proposal we had sent to the firm, asking my friend, “hey, don’t you know him (referring to me)?” Apparently the firm had given it to other firms and Web freelancers, asking them to bid on the project based on our detailed proposal.

Uh, what?

Well, that’s not exactly what I said, for my brain felt like it got slammed with a tidal wave. A tidal wave of thoughts, emotions, words, random sounds… I wasn’t prepared for this, but in hindsight it was the best way to hear about it – from a friendly, sympathetic source, when I was in my home office where nobody would see what I could only imagine was also a tidal wave of facial expressions. My friend couldn’t see the tidal wave over the phone but he knew it hit me, as he was just as shocked by this as he created detailed proposals himself, and would have felt the same had our roles been in reverse.

We talked for a bit more, and I am sure he wanted to make sure I wasn’t climbing out on any ledges. After the call I decided to take a long walk as I could use the exercise and mental cleansing that it offered to clear my head before I had to tell my friend the designer what happened.

But before I called her I realized I had a decision to make. How would I react to this? Would I react? Do I just pretend it didn’t happen? Do I confront them? Do I drop it and not contact them? Or do I pursue the project anyway? Or was there some middle ground? The more I thought about it, I decided I would simply drop it. And I could sum it up in one word – relationship.

I was fortunate, as I stated earlier, to have a great working relationship and friendship with her. She had a great relationship with this firm. I clearly had zero relationship with this firm. For myself, there would be truly nothing to gain from this, even if I called them and told them to fuck off! On the other hand, any action I took could have a negative impact on the relationship between her and I, and could have made a bad situation even worse. This of course was my stance, and I was eager to now talk with her as I had come to peace with this unwanted decision.

Another Unwanted But Important Call

When I called her she was actually expecting me to have good news about the proposal, as it had been a while. I don’t recall the exact words I said, but I was pretty much recalled the story as it was told to me. On the other end of the phone was the sound of a similar tidal wave hitting her, with similar shock and disbelief as we both commiserated about this.

Discussing it further, she was leaning towards confronting them about this awkward situation – not in a combative manner, but being matter of fact about it. When I told her about my decision, she was surprised. Not say anything at all? As I explained why jeopardize her established business with this firm as well, it of course resonated with her, but she still felt really bad about what happened. She never thought this firm would act this way as this was never her experience with them. In the end we both agreed to not say anything, and move on.

It’s all good

Eventually we both got over this and went back to work, later collaborating on several great projects. Years later I recalled this event to a friend who is a lawyer who has his own practice and many small business clients. He had a similar reaction as I did to what happened, but concurred with the conclusion. Could I have sued? Sure. Would I have collected enough in damages to make it worth my while? Doubtful. Would the lawyer representing me made any money? Sure, but I digress.

In the end I had a good story and lesson to tell, and a relationship worth keeping, and fortunately no further contact for me with that firm.

Deconstructing Business vs. Personal

Every day we are all confronted with decisions to make – most minor and a few major. Where some don’t require a lot of thought, for those that do, keeping in mind the big picture of where you are and where you are going is paramount. In this case, I stepped back and used that big picture perspective, and I was pleased with the results.

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This is from The Hot Iron, a journal on business and technology by Mike Maddaloni.

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